Invisible Me Podcast
Join Pat Porter on Invisible Me, a show that discusses invisible health issues and the feeling of being unseen and unheard. Through informal fireside chats, Pat and her guests share their personal stories of living with hidden conditions and disability. They discuss the emotional and physical impact of chronic illness, the challenges of navigating daily life, and the importance of support and acceptance. Invisible Me is a safe space for honest conversations, providing insight and community for those affected by invisible health issues.
Invisible Me Podcast
Tash Willmore: Living with full body arthritis
In this episode of Invisible Me, host Pat Porter meets Tash Willmore, who has rebuilt her life after a life-changing car accident 18 years ago that left her with full-body arthritis. Tash opens up about the challenges she faced, including learning to walk again and managing chronic pain.
Beyond physical adversities, Tash shares the emotional toll of living with a hidden disability. She discusses the societal judgments she has encountered and her determination to not be defined by her disability. Tash emphasises the importance of reframing her perspective, focusing on what she can control, and finding tools and support systems to enable her to pursue a fulfilling life and career.
Intro music by Ben Blanchard.
Edited by Tom Haigh.
Welcome to Invisible Me - a podcast centred around invisible health issues, and the feeling of not being seen and heard. Yet here I am standing right in front of you. Does this sound familiar? Well come join the conversation, share your experiences. Let's break down those norms and attitudes for the better. This is a safe space to chat with me, Pat. Welcome Tash to my podcast. Thank you for being a guest. Much appreciate it. Invisible Me, it's all about invisible health, invisible illnesses, and just feeling invisible in the world on different occasions, and how that affects people emotionally. And, well, it can manifest physically. So welcome. How are you doing today?
TASH WILLMORE:Thank you. I am absolutely delighted to be invited to talk to you Pat and I'm really grateful for the opportunity. So thank you.
PAT PORTER:Ah right back at you! I wasn't aware, because I've met you, I've spoken to you before, and I wasn't aware about your life story until we've had that conversation one day. So hence, here we are. Could you tell me a little bit about the history or the backstory? What's got you to your amazing business and life you're leading today?
TASH WILLMORE:Yeah, absolutely. So I guess the hidden disability that I have is that I suffer from full body arthritis following a major road traffic accident when I was run over about 18 years ago. And this was a big changing point in my life.
PAT PORTER:For sure.
TASH WILLMORE:And although I can walk now, I've had many years, learning to walk again, and now live with a long term health condition. Which means that, you know, I've suffered with arthritis, and I, I can't cook, without sitting down. I can't wash properly without, you know, I can't get in a bath or anything like that. And I need continual support, for assisted living. But I haven't, I've tried really hard to push against that all of my working life. And yeah, I've definitely, it's been a big life changing time for me. And a lot of lessons have been learned along the way, as you can imagine. But I've kind of, I think at the moment I'm going through a transition of managing pain, which is a story in itself, I think. And I'm very lucky in the job that I do that that does not, you know, that I can still work, which is a wonderful thing.
PAT PORTER:Thank you for telling me that because that's a massive thing to tell and share openly.
TASH WILLMORE:That's okay.
PAT PORTER:I appreciate it. And I'm sorry that happened to you. That's just crap.
TASH WILLMORE:It is.
PAT PORTER:It happens in an instant and your life's transformed. And there's no control, no control over that.
TASH WILLMORE:Absolutely. Absolutely.
PAT PORTER:How's family? Because it's not one life's not just affected.
TASH WILLMORE:No, it's true. So, I guess before the accident, I was quite... I was newly married, 16 weeks married. Amazing. To a really nice guy who has supported me all the way along the way. I am so lucky with my husband, Mark, he encouraged me that I should leave work and go out and set out as a self employed person. The night that I left work and sort of said, come on, be my champion. I walked out of the, of my full time employment and that was the moment that I was hit by a car. So.
PAT PORTER:Oh my God.
TASH WILLMORE:At the moment, I know absolutely. So our lives changed in an instant. And for a few months it has, it was a really difficult journey because I was in intensive care and my family supported me massively. And without their support, you know, I wouldn't have been able to recover like I did. But had to learn to walk again. I've got, had multiple injuries and, and also emotional issues as well.
PAT PORTER:Enourmously.
TASH WILLMORE:Huge. But I have been so lucky because my family and Mark's family have supported me right through that.
PAT PORTER:Sure.
TASH WILLMORE:Mark's been by my side all along. I mean, he's a self employed man. We were living very much hand to mouth when I lost my job. I was not working or earning any money or insured or anything to cover me over that period, and he was self employed building and sanding and it was just a nightmare. So we, we have been through a lot together, but he's always been by my side, and I'm, like massively grateful for that. And what he's done for me since, you know, helped me, gives me a life of assisted living, which means that I can work and I can, you know, do that. And I have an amazing daughter who is now 17. And she also supports me and helps me put my shoes on, you know, my socks on, does all the dog walking, all the good things. So I'm super lucky. I really am.
PAT PORTER:Well, definitely married the right man. So 16 weeks in, you definitely got the right guy.
TASH WILLMORE:It's a massive thing, isn't it? It's an absolutely massive thing. But I'm so lucky.
PAT PORTER:You see on the back of that, from my own experience living with an invisible disability of fibromyalgia. Sometimes the family, they get it and they understand it. But they soon switch off, they zone out, because you're always talking about hurting, or you can't do something or each month each year something lessens and you can't do things. And yet they love us. But at the same time, we stop talking about our health, because we know they're fed up listening to it, even though they haven't voiced that. So it's very hard. So there is that other, even though your health and your disability is visual, but there's so many other elements that's invisible, or we make them invisible, because we're protecting those loved ones around us.
TASH WILLMORE:I completely agree with that.
PAT PORTER:Building that resilience to keep going because we're stubborn people, because we don't want to sit down and give in to what's happened.
TASH WILLMORE:Yeah, that's true. I think, don't you think there's a massive part of you that, well there is a huge part of me, that does not want to be this person. This is not who I was, this is not what I was ever meant to be. And I have, I've changed quite a lot over this process. Emotionally, physically. And it's been a hard lesson for me to learn myself that I can, acceptance that these are the things that's going to happen and I can't do a lot about it, some things I can change, but a lot I can't. And, and I think I did, I did do a lot of CBT and things like that before. Loved talking therapy around at the beginning of my journey. And I think that was a game changer for me.
PAT PORTER:Oh good.
TASH WILLMORE:Because it helped. It helped me to understand myself, but also it allowed me to have those conversations with Mark and with my family, to give them an opportunity to also, you know, voice how they felt about it and how they want to go on. And I think that's how we've built our relationships since then. And how I manage it now I think. But acceptance is a huge part of this, like, I just didn't want to be disabled, I just don't want to be.
PAT PORTER:Why would anybody? Yeah. It's nobody's choice.
TASH WILLMORE:It's nobody's choice. But I've kind of learned that the fear of it needs to be taken away. And the fear of being judged, and the fear of being looked at, and the fear of judging myself, oh, you know, I'm a nuisance. I don't want to be a pain, you know.
PAT PORTER:I'm a burden, all those things.
TASH WILLMORE:The biggest lesson is honesty and just say, I need help. Could you help me put my socks on? Can I, could you, can I ask you to carry the shopping in? And once people realise that they can help and that you'd like them to help, it's made a huge difference. I was so long struggling and pretending I was fine, and going through it. I was actually making my days worse. And they were watching me make my days worse. And actually I just turned it around, and now I just say oh, you know, could you just give me a hand with this? And as everybody does, everybody does across the board, my team here, the people I work with, the amazing friends I have, you know, it's a massive network of support that are around me that keep me able to be me.
PAT PORTER:Yes. That's the key word - keeps me to be me. That that's the key key thing to survive and keep going and getting up every day. Because you haven't changed your soul, your essence, your values, your beliefs, who makes you you is always there. And that's not going to change. But the impact of pain, and this is partly why the podcast is created to share with listeners about living with pain. And that does affect you and it will make you grumpy, it will make you tired. It makes me angry, and people laugh at me and say, "Pat why are you angry?" I say "I'm angry was my illness". And they say, "oh, you know, can't you go to doctors? Can't you do this?" And I'm going, "I've tried everything." The anger is, it's taking stuff away from me. It's taken quality of life away. So I'm angry about the illness. But it's a, it's not a bitter anger, it's a healthy anger, because it's the anger that drives me, it makes me focus, it makes me keep going. I won't give into it. So it's, yeah, the anger powers me. But everybody's so different.
TASH WILLMORE:Yeah, absolutely. Because I had to absolutely, like, remove anger from my life. I just like, from the moment I was run over, I just thought, I'm not going to put myself through this anymore. You know, I can't sit here going "poor, me, poor, me, poor me". I need to be action focused, I need to not drag my family down this path of, like, they have to look after me always, you know, I can look after myself. I'm a strong independent woman.
PAT PORTER:You certainly are!
TASH WILLMORE:You know, and I want them to only see that, and I actually don't want to be judged by, and defined by one accident in my life is going to change my life.
PAT PORTER:Defined.
TASH WILLMORE:I won't be defined by it.
PAT PORTER: That's the word:defined, by others.
TASH WILLMORE:Yeah. And yeah, so I've sort of, I'm defined by that. And I'm defined not by the lack of my physical ability, I'm defined by the person that I am and how I approach my life. And yeah, and there's a lot of areas in my life that I've adapted to make sure that that is the case. So I think what I've done is refrain, rather than, you know, sit back and be cross about it. Because I could be cross, yeah, I could be cross about it. I could be really cross about it, but it will never change it. But what I can do is completely reframe it. I think, "Okay, well, what can I do differently? How can I make this better?" And that's why my whole life is an adapted life.
PAT PORTER:That's amazing.
TASH WILLMORE:Because I can live. That's how I can live, you know. And it's not until you review that, that you know that.
PAT PORTER:I will take that on board, I have learned something from you, no no, you've taught me something right now. And I want others listening to take away what I'm taking away from it. I say my anger drives me, but maybe it's unhealthy for me too. I don't know, it might be, I don't know, it might be manifesting in another way. And how you said you've reframed your life, and you're not letting it define you, and you're continuing the life that you want to lead regardless. So thank you, I'm taking on board what you just said, thank you for that.
TASH WILLMORE:Well, I think we all we all have our challenges, and we all, everybody will deal with it differently. And Mark will deal with his differently. And my team will, and my daughter will, and we're not all the same. And I wouldn't want everybody to be that way. But I think, I think we can't, I personally, my choice has been that this cannot define me. However, I am the worst person in the world for admitting that I can't do something. Terrible. Absolutely terrible.
PAT PORTER:Well we're very independent. When we are, something's taken from us our independence and our strength is enhanced. And we self persecute, of course, silently and all of that. And we're all, our inner critic's there all the time. However, you're awesome. You're commendable. You're a powerful role model. I can't think of enough adjectives to say how inspirational you are. And I think we'll have many, many conversations and many little episodes. Can I go on another spin on this? If that's okay. I want to talk about the invisible stuff. There is times when we're- daily life. We're out shopping, we're having a Sunday drive out, we're going for a meal or just life activities. And it's how the other people see you. And it's not said, it's judgement with eyes and body language. And it's that invisible behaviours, but how massively it can affect us. And I know it's happened. How are you coping with that? Or what do you do? Or do you cope with that, or...?
TASH WILLMORE:I have struggled with this. And I have to put again another positive spin on it but I have struggled with it, and I do struggle with it.
PAT PORTER:For sure.
TASH WILLMORE:And because my my disability is hidden, I don't, I walk with a stick but not always, you know, and you wouldn't always know that I live in constant pain. But you do get hidden looks like, a couple of really good examples are things like going to the beach. I can't get onto the beach alone. And I cannot possibly sit on the floor. So I can't sit on a mat or anything like that. So I have to have a chair. And once I'm in the chair I can't get out of the chair without help. And I can't go in the sea without help. So there's all this kind of things. But like, fundamentally you wouldn't know if I was just sitting there.
PAT PORTER:Sure.
TASH WILLMORE:And you can watch people, especially when my daughter was small and like my husband be running around after her like a mad thing trying to not to eat stand or not running. And I would be sat there like a lazy person who doesn't do anything and doesn't move! And people will be looking going"Oh, look at that terrible mother! She doesn't hear anything", you know, so. And like, we went to a music concert once in the park, Hyde Park or something. And all day Mark was rushing off to get me some food or the drinks, all of that. And I was sat there, and I could hear people behind me talking about "that lazy woman, that awful lazy cow." [laughter] You know, they're all just, you know, "she's just sat there all day! And he's gone and done everything." Yeah, and it's the same with like, I've got a blue badge and I park it at Tesco's or whatever to, I dunno, whatever shop I'm at is to park into my disability car parking space, because I am younger than some of the people that are in there. They look at me and go, should she be parking here? And I get out the car. And I've struggled a bit, but you wouldn't always know. Yeah, it's difficult. And people do judge you they look at you and go,"Oh," you know,
PAT PORTER:They do. We're the worst.
TASH WILLMORE:Yeah, yeah.
PAT PORTER:People are the best and people are the worst, in the same breath. I can say that. Because we wouldn't first impressions. And don't judge a book by its cover and all those cliches, but we too as humans, we do.
TASH WILLMORE:But I think since I've been in this position, I hope that I, like the people that I come into contact with. And I hope that even just listening to this podcast, people are going to realise that actually, we don't all see it.
PAT PORTER:No.
TASH WILLMORE:And the biggest, biggest, most important thing is that because my daughter and her friends and my close family have lived with me being like this, they also have a knowledge and understanding of how it can be for other people which I think is great. And, you know, don't ever be afraid to ask for help. Because I struggled to go to Glastonbury Music Festival thinking I could get there and do it.
PAT PORTER:Okay.
TASH WILLMORE:And I ruined my one opportunity to be there[laughs] because I didn't admit that I needed a mobility scooter to get around. So for, I ridiculously forced my husband to carry stuff and walk and I couldn't even get past one field. And it was a complete disaster. And by the time I went back to get a mobility scooter, they'd gone. So that's a little example of like, how I was being stubborn and not allowing myself the opportunity for freedom.
PAT PORTER:Yes.
TASH WILLMORE:So now I consider all my mobility aids, all my useful stuff, is my freedom.
PAT PORTER:Completely.
TASH WILLMORE:It's my my freedom. You know, if I have to take my stick it means I stand there for longer, if I have my chair, it means I can be there. If I have a mobility scooter, it means I can go there. And if I have my blue badge, I can park near the shops and go, so like for me these are massive, like aids to my life. And I've got this brilliant one, which helps me put on my socks. which is a game changer, a game changer. And it cost about three pounds and it's brilliant. And I'm like, oh, my life's been transformed, I can put my own socks on!
PAT PORTER:But it is the small things, it's all the small things that you don't realise what we take for granted, even like unscrewing the top of a bottle, using a gear stick in a car, all the small things, and like dressing ourselves. These are the things that matter and will grind you down. So...
TASH WILLMORE:And they do grind you down. So that's why when you have a breakthrough, but I just think I don't think of them as tools that make me disabled. I think of them as tools to assist my life now.
PAT PORTER:That enable you, we'll spin it, I'm learning to spin, reframing, thank you Tash for that! [laughter] You've kind of answered what I wanted to lead into. And it was just if you could for the listeners, give one piece of advice and we have already said reframing and turning things around. But the asking, I don't ask enough. It's taken, I'm 17 years now with, so we're similar length of time suffering, 17 years with mine and last week I will share live I just got told by the musculoskeletal clinic that I too have arthritis all through my body, literally from the neck down. It's in my spine, it's in my shoulders. It's everywhere at the minute. So I'm like, I almost cried because I thought, what else can I have?
TASH WILLMORE:I'm sorry Pat.
PAT PORTER:It's kind of okay. Because then I go, I'm up, I'm functioning, I'm striving, I'm getting on in life. So that didn't make me angry, that made me sad for a change. But I've had a week, I've had a week to think about it and go, okay, I can't fix it, so there's nothing I can do. But there isn't.[laughs] So I need to ask, I'm gonna do the asking.
TASH WILLMORE:Ask, ask and accept the help. Yeah.
PAT PORTER:Definitely.
TASH WILLMORE:I mean, I, I started my business from my bed as you know.
PAT PORTER:This is an awesome story. This is another podcast episode to talk about the business from the bed.
TASH WILLMORE:Yeah! So I started working from bed because I was disabled, and we needed money, and I needed to work. So I did that. So I had to ask for help. Okay, I have to ask. And, for me, that is the biggest thing. And so I then built a team of wonderful freelancers that I work with, and they support my business. And they have done throughout my recovery throughout my child being born, flexible working conditions, working from home, all of those things assist my life to run it well. And I learned that by speaking up, knowing my value, and not being defined by this, like this disability is not who I am. And I'm a creative, exciting, lovely person, and I'm going to be that exciting creative person for as long as I can be.
PAT PORTER:You're doing it. You are, you're doing it!
TASH WILLMORE:We're smashing it Pat! And that's what it's about. So I think know your value and speak up. So that would be my thing. And yeah, reframe guys, reframe, whatever's happened to you. What could, you know, what have we learned from this. This does not define you, you are who you are, and be brilliant at what you're good at. That's, that's where I am.
PAT PORTER:Thank you so much. Thank you for giving up your valuable time, your insights. And I've taken away so many key things, and I'm learning from you. And can I invite you back for a follow up to talk some more and maybe answer some questions that viewers will have sent in? That would be awesome.
TASH WILLMORE:Yeah, I would absolutely, I would absolutely love it. Thank you, Pat. Thanks for giving me the opportunity to talk about my good and my bad days, but also to highlight that, yeah, hidden disability is there. And thank you for letting me have the opportunity to speak. It's been lovely.
PAT PORTER:Brilliant. We'll talk to you again soon. Thank you. Bye for now Tash.
TASH WILLMORE:Bye.